The Courage Principle of Confrontation A soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up strife.

Conflicts become confrontations when we say unkind things, raise our voice or become aggressive with our expressions. When we are confronted by someone, our natural tendency is to get defensive and argumentative because we don’t want to be proven wrong. To be wrong is humbling, and it hurts our pride. We defend our position even when we know we are wrong or have exaggerated the truth.

No one is always right in every situation, yet all of us are usually partly right and that is what gets us into trouble. Since we know we are at least partly right, we open our mouths and freely give our opinions even though we may have only one side of the situation. Sometimes it’s because we like to be heard and noticed. Once we have spoken our opinions, we are committed to defend our position. Each time we defend ourselves it is more costly to admit that we were wrong in some way, which is not easy to do.

When we have disagreements, which we all have, it is important to manage and control the tone of our voice. A soft answer turns away wrath. When our response is soft and gentle, our opponents will respect us and consider our point of view, this gives us a chance to continue the discussion. It is amazing how powerful words are in the hands of those who know how to use them. The words “I’m sorry” are powerful, but when they come from a soft, sensitive tongue, they are disarming. A soft slow answer is more powerful than tanks and guns.

Good relationships give us the right to express our opinion without confrontation. Poor communication destroys relationships, wastes time and energy and hinders us in resolving the problem. We may win the argument, but lose the point we were trying to make, and possibly lose the relationship in the process. We can’t have good communication without good relationships.

There are several benefits to be gained by confronting in the right way:

• Responding in a calm and peaceful way lets people know we are confident in our information and sure about our position. This will build their trust in us.
• We will maintain good relationships and keep communication open. It is not about winning at all costs. When a discussion develops into an argument, an aggressive attitude may fool us into believing that we won the fight but the truth is, we only win when we maintain good interaction and keep communication open.
• Handling confrontation properly will keep us humble and increase others respect for us.
• Dealing with confrontation will train us to see the other point of view. “You may be right” or “That’s an interesting point” may help to disarm the situation and make our point easier to accept.

Those who handle confrontation well:

1. Respond peacefully and refrain from escalating emotions even when the other person starts to get upset.
2. Keep a good attitude and are unafraid of admitting they do not know or are not sure.
3. Express opinions in an open manner and give reasons and logic for their point of view.
4. Do not fear altering their opinions once they have listened to the other party’s perspective and reasoning. They are more interested in what is right rather than just being right.
5. Maintain good relationships and recognize that being right is not as important as keeping a relationship healthy.

1. Take five minutes to think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it before confrontation whenever possible.
2. Do not get sucked into arguments. Control confrontation using soft answers and a smile. If someone wants to argue with us and we have a smile and a soft answer, it will be difficult for the other person to perpetuate the argument.
3. Control your emotions; breathe deep before you respond on the defense. Choose your words, your tone and keep your expressions in mind when you speak.
4. When the other person is escalating the discussion into a full-blown argument, make them aware of how confrontational they are being. Saying something like ‘why are you shouting at me?’ may allow them to look at themselves for a minute. This might calm them down if they have become lost in the moment and do not realize how they are behaving.
5. Develop the skill of seeing value in others and their opinions. Do not be boastful or have an over confident attitude. By acknowledging that they may be right, you can defuse the situation and win the right to express your opinion and be heard.
6. Pick your battles. Notice where things are going and decide if it is worth engaging in at the present time. It is important to take the time and place into account before making the decision to be involved.
7. Always finish with a peaceful close. Acknowledge that you do not have to agree on everything. This makes room for a difference of opinion.

1. How do you react when someone speaks to you with anger or arrogance?
2. What aspect of this principle challenges you most?
3. What is hardest for you to control in a confrontation: your words, your tone or your facial expressions/body language?

Evaluate yourself from 1 to 10	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	10
Why did you give yourself this rating?
What benefits will you obtain by raising your rating?
What specific action can you put into practice to test the benefits of this principle?